What is Mom Guilt?
Mom guilt is the self-criticism that arises when you feel you haven’t met the expectations you’ve set for yourself as a parent. It’s a common experience shared by moms from all walks of life, at various stages of parenting. Whether your child is a toddler or a teenager, mom guilt can sneak in at any time. But how can you manage it when it arises? Recognizing and avoiding certain triggers can help you live more peacefully as a mom. Let’s explore this further.
My Experience
As a mother of two young children, I grapple with mom guilt sometimes, particularly when it comes to treating my children equally. I often question whether I’m being fair – do I yell at one more than the other? Do I let one get away with things while being stricter with the other? Am I instilling the right values, and are they even absorbing them? It’s a constant mind battle as I search for solutions.
Not so long ago, a friend promised to buy my daughter a doll, and we all went shopping. My daughter was thrilled as they browsed through the dolls section. After picking up some groceries, I joined them and found my daughter in tears. My friend explained that she had opted for a blonde Barbie doll, and my heart sank with guilt. Why didn’t she choose one that looks like her? Hadn’t I taught her enough about the beauty of black dolls. Does she even know about her skin tone?
Instead of getting caught up in negative “whys,” I acted quickly. I found a beautiful black doll with shimmery wings and pointed out to my daughter how magical it was – its hair, just like hers, and its wings which made the doll boldly stand out. My daughter’s face lit up with a smile as she connected with what I was saying, and she eagerly chose that doll. The moment not only brought joy to her but also ended up saving my friend more money than she had planned to spend! Lol. That doll, now affectionately named “Dolly,” has become her favourite companion among her other dolls
Here are 3 triggers to steer clear of to avoid falling into the trap of mom guilt.
3 Common Mom Guilt Triggers to Avoid
- Setting unrealistic goals: You can only do so much as a mom – and as a human. Striving for balance is important, it’s okay to miss a school event or have an off day. You’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.
- Listening to the negative voice in your head: Even when you’re giving it your all, there may be a nagging voice telling you it’s not enough. Train yourself to silence that voice. Remind yourself that you are a great mom, doing the best you can.
- Engaging with competitive “friends”: It’s one thing to be proud of your child’s achievements; it’s another to boast in a way that makes other moms feel inadequate. Avoid toxic relationships that foster competition instead of support.
Research Insights on Mom Guilt
Mom guilt often stems from feeling disappointed when things don’t go as planned (Stranks, 2016). It’s not just limited to moms – dads experience guilt too, worrying about whether they’re providing the best care for their children (Dowling, 2019). One dad shared how guilt made him apprehensive about his ability to be a good father to his daughter (Dowling, 2019).
Working moms, in particular, may feel guilty about not spending enough time with their kids. However, research shows that children of working mothers do not face more problems than those of stay-at-home moms (Green, 2006). Mom guilt affects many mothers, regardless of whether they work or stay at home, and can persist long after the children have grown up (Madell, 2024).
Madell (2024) shares a poignant story of a mother who deeply regrets prioritizing her career over her children’s early years. While she worked hard to provide them with the best life possible, she unintentionally neglected their emotional needs, missing out on crucial bonding moments. Now, years later, the weight of that decision still haunts her as she struggles to rebuild her relationship with her children and overcome the lingering mom guilt.
One of the ways to combat mom/dad guilt is to focus on quality time with your child when you’re together. Building a strong bond can help ease the feelings of guilt
(Green, 2006).
Conclusion
Mom guilt often leads to overthinking and constant worry about whether we’re doing enough as parents. While not every mother may experience it, mom guilt is a very real and common feeling. Each mom faces unique challenges, and every child is different, which means triggers for mom guilt can vary widely.
To protect oneself from these triggers, avoid competitive friendships, silence any negative inner voice, and set realistic goals for yourself. Remember, mom guilt can stem from the smallest or biggest issues – it’s all about how you perceive your actions. Constantly remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that makes you a great mom!
Action Point
Have you ever experienced mom guilt? How did you handle it? Please share.
Reference
Dowling, D. 2019. A Working Parent’s Survival Guide. Accessed on 08 August 2024. Available at: https://hbr.org/2019/07/a-working-parents-survival-guide
Feliciano, N. 2024. What is mom guilt and how can you manage it? Therapist and mom of 4 breaks it down. Accessed on 15 August 2024. Available at: https://www.today.com/health/mind-body/mom-guilt-rcna151743
Green, C. 2006. Toddler Taming: A Parent’s Guide to the First Four Years. Great Britain: Clays Limited, St Ives plc.
Madell, R. 2024. I gave more attention to my demanding job than to raising my 4 kids. I’m heartbroken over what it cost me. Accessed on 15 August 2024. Available at: https://www.businessinsider.com/demanding-tech-career-absent-parent-mom-guilt-2024-8
Stranks, S. 2016. A Survival Guide for Working Parents: how to balance family and career. Accessed on 08 August 2024. Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/careers/2016/nov/25/survival-guide-working-parents-balance-family-and-career
Thank you so much for this dear.